


Road to Recovery

by bythelightofthenight



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M, also talk about death and torture, and no extra character death or anything just the ones that happened in canon, but a happy ending! after being so emo about the finale i wouldn't be mean, but without forgetting, just the usual, lol a lot of this is just monty and miller sleeping next to each other who am i kidding, set after the season finale so spoilers, warnings for dealing with grief / a mindset you could compare to having depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-03-25
Packaged: 2018-03-19 12:32:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3610224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bythelightofthenight/pseuds/bythelightofthenight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Miller considered him carefully before facing the other wall like he was. "I hugged my dad today. Twice, actually."<br/>"I helped kill hundreds of people."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Road to Recovery

**Author's Note:**

> Yikes! I've been super slow at writing lately for some reason. But I've been thinking about this literally since the day after the finale so after reading many fantastic headcanons I had to put some of my own into writing. 
> 
> If you didn't find this through my tumblr post, maybe have a look at [this](http://natharmiller.tumblr.com/post/114553444582) set I made for this. (gif warning for the link, also a few slightly graphic scenes from the show itself)

It was sometime in the middle of the night when Camp Jaha finally quieted down. Monty wished he didn’t have to be alone with his thoughts yet, but he didn’t have the heart to ask anyone to stay up with him when exhaustion was so clear on their faces.

Harper’s eyes had been slipping close for most of the night before she was ushered to bed, the gun she’d been clutching changing hands. Bellamy was trying to support everyone at once, but he also hadn’t slept properly in days. Clarke was gone and no one knew what to do about it. Octavia and Lincoln were in their own world; they clearly didn’t belong there but they didn’t have anywhere else to go yet. Abby and Raven weren’t allowed to get up, but it was clear they’d stop following that order soon enough. Miller had been talking to his dad all day and it seemed their relationship was stronger than ever. Fox and Maya were dead, left rotting in the ruins of the mountain.

Jasper hadn’t spoken to him all day. Monty knew he hadn’t stopped talking completely; he saw the boy talking with Wick and then Octavia and then Bellamy. But he wouldn’t talk to Monty.

Guilt was gnawing at his insides. It was quiet enough for him to hear his own breathing above everything else, but he could also hear drills and screaming echoing in his head. He could still smell burning flesh and death on his clothes.

He never wanted to hurt anyone. He’d been locked up on the Ark, at war against the grounders, tortured inside the mountain. But he never wanted it to end like this.

Monty had learned the history of humans like all the other kids. The nuclear war was only one of many mistakes they’d made. But when he used to make faces at Jasper through the small window on the door of his holding cell on the Ark, he never guessed it was truly a continuous trait in all men. War was in their bloodstreams, the fear of death in their hearts. If destroying the Earth once didn’t erase it, could anything?

 

 ~

 

He sat by the fire as long as people were out, but then it was time to go. Tents were set up for the remaining forty-something. Monty didn’t know how many there were left. Maybe it was better not to know.

The tent he was in was suitable for four people. Harper was curled up on her bed, completely still in deep sleep. Jasper was facing the wall, side rising and falling as he breathed. He could’ve easily been sleeping but Monty knew him too well. Still, he couldn’t make himself say anything.

Monty sat on his bed in silence and watched his best friend eventually fall asleep. It wasn’t actually cold but he was shivering in his cardigan. For a second he hoped its owner wouldn’t miss it before he remembered again.

Time passed, maybe little, maybe more. Monty continued staring at the wall above Jasper’s bunk, the boy’s soft snoring the only familiar thing around him. He clutched his legs against his chest and picked on a loose string on the seam of his pants. This was his life now.

Earth had been a dream they never realized they had until they crashed on its surface that one day. The vibrantly green forest was better than any book or film they’d seen. Earth was freedom, it was life. But it wasn’t their place after all. They didn’t belong there. Like white men hundreds of years earlier, they’d crashed a party they were never invited to.

Sometimes Monty wondered if they’d deserved all that happened to them. The blood-soaked fever, the war, getting captured and harvested like animals. But they were all kids, all under 18. Wells was a kid, Charlotte was a kid, Roma was a kid, John was a kid, Atom was a kid. Even Finn and Murphy were just kids. It was like they’d never had a chance in the first place.

Hearing about Finn had been a shock. It was another reason why he wanted to talk to Jasper. The boy had looked up to the spacewalker, and was actually in some ways quite similar to him. He needed to know another Finn wasn’t developing underneath his best friend’s skin.

Then again, after all they’d done could they really judge anyone. The grounders had felt cruel and brutal in the beginning, but were they really that much different. The mountain men were direct descendants of the people responsible for wiping out Earth’s population. But they were all humans, some just more tolerant of radiation than others.

 

~ 

 

Miller stepped into the tent, shaking him out of his thoughts.

"Hey, I thought you’d be sleeping", Miller slumped down next to him. His body was radiating heat, and Monty found himself leaning into him without thinking.

"Me too", Monty managed a half-assed smile. "Did you have fun?"

"Yes", Miller grinned sloppily, the burning scent of his breath clear with their proximity. His whole being was more relaxed, from the line of his back to the light in his eyes. "But I had maybe one drink too many."

"Oh really?" he rolled his eyes fondly as Miller rested his head on his shoulder. "You’re hiding it pretty well."

"I know", Miller’s nose pressed against his neck, and suddenly they were much _closer_ than ever before.

They were quiet for a moment, Miller still resting against him, heating his side comfortably. But then he lifted his head and turned to look at Monty properly.

"What are you thinking?" Miller asked. "I can see those wheels turning. They always are."

"Nothing", he answered as plainly as he could.

Miller considered him carefully before facing the other wall like he was. “I hugged my dad today. Twice, actually.”

"I helped kill hundreds of people."

That seemed to sober Miller up and he glanced at Monty with his usual frown on. “You did what needed to be done.”

Monty took a deep breath and another, trying not to let the words get caught in his throat. “If I hadn’t done it, those people would be alive now. I made it happen.”

"They’d be alive, but the rest of us wouldn’t. You saved our people, Monty. War is not supposed to be easy."

"There must’ve been a way", he shook his head sadly. "We just didn’t find it in time."

"Hey", Miller’s warm hand settled on his knee. His gaze didn’t waver when it met Monty’s. "You saved my life too. And trust me; I appreciate it a lot. They would’ve tortured every single one of us to death. It happened to you before."

"But -"

"No, there’s no buts. It’s done. You need to try to think like me for a second. Try not to be as kind as you’d usually be. The truth is that none of those kids in the mountain were first in line for the marrow. Any other solution would’ve just let more bad people on the ground."

"I just can’t accept that", Monty covered his face with his hands. He wanted to stop seeing all of it behind his eyelids. "I just can’t."

Fingers wrapped around his wrists and pulled his hands down. “Stop thinking. You need to sleep. Just let me think for you for now, okay?” Miller said sternly. “I’m going to get some water and then I’ll be back. You’d better be pretending to be asleep when I come back.”

Monty opened his mouth but Miller made a noise before he could say anything.

"Just do it. No thinking. Just actions."

"Fine", Monty sighed, and suddenly it was like even his bones were tired, just the thought of moving disgusting him.

Miller got up and walked out of the tent, swaying just enough for it to be noticeable. Monty got under the covers with all his clothes still on, curling up with his face towards the wall. He shut his eyes tightly, focusing on not thinking, and stayed that way until he heard Miller return.

To his surprise, the other boy settled down next to him. He was facing the other way so Monty didn’t let himself think too much of it even though their backs were pressed together. Then he realized that he was, in fact, thinking again and focused back on the blankness of exhaustion in his mind.

Sleep overcame him at some point, the heat of Miller’s body grounding him.

 

~*~

 

The morning was more noisy than it was bright. Monty startled out of sleep, from seeing a hundred burning bodies at once to expecting the cold walls of the mountain to be what he was facing. He breathed, as many times as it took to calm down, to remember.

He couldn’t roll around because there was someone right behind him with their body curved along his. Miller was still asleep, steady puffs of air hitting the back of Monty’s neck. His body was radiating heat - a little too much by then - and it was too hot under the covers.

Still, Monty didn’t move an inch. He let himself wonder for a second if he’d ever wake up like this with someone, but with their arm wrapped around his waist and their smile carved to the back of his neck. It made him feel a little nauseous, thinking about settling down and falling in love on _Earth_. After everything that had happened, the fate of humanity still weighed down on their shoulders. How could they just move on when this was how their new lives had started?

 

~ 

 

He lied there in silence until Miller stirred behind him. Monty could imagine his eyes flutter open and take in the situation. He prayed they held no regret as he prepared to turn around.

Fingers brushed against his spine, and all breath left him. Even through the layers of clothing, the touch made him shiver.

"Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you", Miller mumbled quietly. He’d just been trying to untangle himself from the covers.

"It’s fine", Monty said after a beat. "Should probably get up anyway."

"I’m in the way, aren’t I?"

"A little."

One more huff of breath hit his skin before Miller pushed himself up. Monty rolled on his back but still didn’t look at him.

"Come on. No brooding today. Let’s get breakfast - or any other meal depending on the time."

"I’m right behind you."

"Fine, but you’d better", Miller stood there for another second before walking out.

Monty wanted to get up, he really did, but it felt so difficult. Miller would go straight to his dad. Jasper wasn’t there with him. Clarke was gone. No one needed him up and out.

"Hey, sleepyhead!"

He smiled to himself as he turned to face Harper who was standing in the doorway.

"What, we’re just sleeping all day now?" she walked up to him, her face soft.

Tears prickled the insides of his eyelids but he fought them, apologizing silently for not thinking of her right away. “Maybe”, he said gruffly.

"Well I certainly wasn’t informed of this", Harper huffed and lied down next to him, stretching out her limbs carefully. He knew she still held the dull ache inside her bones like he did. "So, do you want to talk about it?"

"About what?"

"You and Miller _sleeping together_."

Monty laughed quietly, shaking his head at her scandalous tone. “He was drunk. Couldn’t find his own bed.”

"Sure didn’t find mine either."

Monty raised his brows at her and she just grinned.

"I’m sure it was just a one time thing. So stop making it a big deal", he elbowed her side carefully.

"Whatever you say."

He bit his lip, facing the ceiling again. “How’s — How’s Jasper?”

"Upset", Harper sighed. "He just needs some time, Monty. We all do."

He nodded, fighting back the burning of his eyes. Harper didn’t say anything but her hand curled around his and didn’t let go.

 

~

 

Monty let Harper drag him out later. The day was cloudy and grey, and so seemed the whole camp. Clarke was still missing, and the kids from the mountain kept glancing toward the woods whenever they got lost in their thoughts. Bellamy was still hovering, smile dim and eyes empty. But they needed him there. He was all they had now.

He saw Miller walking up to Bellamy at one point. The two hugged shortly but meaningfully, Bellamy’s smile a little more believable when they let go. Miller was a hugger now, then. Monty wondered how far in himself he would have to disappear before receiving one, before shaking the thought out of his head.

Jasper still refused to acknowledge him. He seemed to cringe every time someone’s voice rose or someone laughed a little too loudly. Monty was worried about him, but he knew he had to give him space to mourn. His face was now a reminder of what Jasper had lost. He just missed his best friend.

 

~

 

Slowly the day turned into night. Everyone was more energetic now, lively chatter filling the air as they sat around the fire.

Monty sat with Bellamy for most of the night. They were the last two people who saw Clarke. It was a strange bond to have with someone.

"I’m thinking about going into the woods. Trying to see if there’s any sign of her. Maybe she just needs a little time", Bellamy said quietly, looking around to make sure no one else was listening.

"She wouldn’t like that."

"I know", Bellamy sighed. "But I need to know. I respected her decision not to come in, but I have to make sure she’s not just… blaming herself."

"We’re all to blame", Monty stared into the fire. It wasn’t really warming him.

"You don’t think you’re responsible, do you? Clarke and I made the decision. You were just doing what we asked you to do."

"But I did it, didn’t I?" Monty met his eyes for a second. "It’s not about me, though. I just want Clarke to know no one blames her for what happened. She’s done everything she can to protect us. Everyone knows that."

Bellamy ran his fingers through his messy hair. “I think we’re beyond that. But I’m hoping she’ll come back on her own.”

"It’s not your fault either. That she left. Everything else."

Bellamy just shrugged, looking over at his people. His eyes caught on Octavia who was walking away with Lincoln, her sword still slung on her back. “I have my responsibilities.”

"Do you think we’ll hear of the commander again?" Monty asked. "Maybe Clarke went to tell her what happened."

He made a strange face that Monty couldn’t quite place. “Who knows. I think she knows to stay away.”

Monty didn’t know which one he meant, but he didn’t ask.

 

~

 

It was already gloomy with the moon covered by clouds. Once the fires died out, the camp fell into darkness.

Monty was one of the last to make his way inside. He’d made sure Jasper got a head start, and Harper had followed soon after him. Just like the night before, they seemed to be asleep when he got in.

He got into bed right away. The blanket still smelled a bit like Miller, and Monty intentionally paid no attention to how it made him feel a little better.

His body was tired, but even with Miller’s advice he couldn’t make his brain shut down. There were faces again, covered in blood or burns, with the sound of a drill playing over and over. He could still feel it slicing through flesh and bone, sending an unstoppable ache through his body. On the table he’d wondered if it was worth it to try to survive.

The bed dipping on one side startled him. He quickly wiped off the tear tracks from his face before rolling around to face Miller.

"Are you drunk again?"

Miller looked at him funnily. “Uh, no? Do you need me to be?”

"No", he answered before turning back towards the wall, the fluttering in his stomach not going unnoticed.

He listened to Miller getting out of his shoes and shirt. When he slipped under the covers, Monty could feel the heat of his bare skin through the fabric covering his own. Their backs were against each other again, and it was a comfort he hadn’t known he needed.

Somewhere on the brink of sleep he was still sniffling when Miller’s arm wrapped around his waist, fingers curling in the front of his shirt. Monty just accepted it in his tiredness, not moving in or out of the touch.

 

~*~

 

In the morning they were still the same. But this time the heat was in different places, less suffocating but harder to pass off. Monty came to, a slow burn in his stomach as he recognized _all_ of Miller’s body pressed against his.

Natural or not, he had to get out of there.

Getting out of Miller’s grip turned out to be harder than he’d hoped. He had to untangle fingers and legs, crawl up and over, to get to freedom. Jasper turned to glance at him as he landed ungraciously on the floor. Monty’s cheeks were burning, but with the disdain in the boy’s eyes he decided he didn’t deserve an explanation. Because whatever _that_ was, it had nothing to do with the unpleasantries between them.

Monty walked out of the tent, sparing a glance at Miller just to make sure he hadn’t woken up. The sun was out with him. He made his way to Harper, who was standing by the gate, looking into the woods.

"Hey."

She turned around to smile at him as he approached. “Morning. How was… sleep? You looked really cute.”

"Don’t even start", he stood next to her, arms crossed as they watched the long grass sway in the wind.

"Drunk again?"

"I — No", Monty pursed his lips and didn’t meet the knowing look she was sending him. "It’s not what you think. I’m telling you."

"Whatever you say, Monty", she shrugged. "Just be careful. You might surprise yourself."

"I doubt it."

 

~

 

Bellamy left for the woods that day. He told everyone he’d be back by nightfall, but most of them kept checking the tree line even more often than before.

Abby and Raven were both officially out of bedrest. Monty went to visit the mechanic, who was already at work while bickering with the engineer who had yet to leave her side.

"Monty! How are you?" Wick grinned at him from the floor where he was fixing Raven’s brace as she worked at the table.

"I’m alright. Hi Raven."

"Hey! You coming to work?" she asked between attempts to hit Wick in the face with her knee. "I’m sure we have something fun for you to do."

"Um, maybe. I’ll think about it", he leaned on the table opposite her. "Are you feeling better?"

"Well, certainly beats getting shot in the hip by a douchebag", Raven shrugged. Wick made a disapproving noise at her but she ignored him. "Barely even feeling this now. Shut up, Wick. It’s my injury; I can make fun of it all I want. Murphy’s probably dead anyway, so it’s not like he minds."

Wick just rolled his eyes at her. Monty tapped the tabletop and started inching away.

"I’ll come back sometime", he said before fleeing.

Raven’s face was supposed to be one of hope for him. She was the one they were able to save even after ending up on that table. But it didn’t help. He only felt the weight of those they couldn’t reach in time.

 

~

 

Bellamy returned by nightfall like he’d promised, but just as alone as he’d left. But he didn’t arrive empty handed.

"I thought I’d go find this bunker Lincoln told me about", he said while handing his bags to waiting arms. There were flashlights, soap, a few blankets, candles by the dozens. As much as he’d been able to carry.

Monty caught his eyes for a moment, and he shook his head slightly. No sign of Clarke.

Perhaps it was time to let her go, he thought. She was doing what she needed to do. They’d trusted her before so why not with this, too. It was all about trust.

It was also something Monty didn’t have in himself. At bedtime he crawled into bed with Harper, not meeting her all too knowing eyes before closing his.

It wasn’t that he didn’t like sleeping next to Miller. In fact, it was one of his favorite things since getting out. But he was reaching and it was not a good idea. He didn’t want to get into a _situation_ with anyone. Especially Miller whose bones didn’t ache or shoulders weigh down. He didn’t have to know of worse things.

That’s why he was paying the price now. So that the others didn’t have to know.

 

~*~

 

"I’m, uh — I’m sorry if I did something to make you uncomfortable the other night", Miller said suddenly.

They were alone in the tent. Monty had counted on Harper not leaving so quickly but clearly he’d been wrong. He didn’t answer right away so Miller kept going.

"I really didn’t mean to. It was just… I’m not even sure what. But still, I don’t want you to think that -"

"That you like me? I won’t. Don’t worry."

Miller’s lips moved but he couldn’t get a word out right away. “Not quite what I was saying. But I can get a bed for myself. I mean I guess it’s been taken somewhere by now. But it’s not a problem, seriously.”

Monty hadn’t noticed before that a fourth bed hadn’t actually been set out yet. His stomach dropped. “It’s fine. I was just keeping Harper company. I — I’ll sleep in my own bed.”

"Okay. I mean — yeah. I’ll see you later", Miller walked out without looking in his direction.

 

~ 

 

He ended up back at the shop. The sun was out too bright and it was hurting his head. So Monty decided to hide there, get his mind off of things. It was the _only_ reason why.

Raven got him something to work on, and he got a little space for himself. He was used to working in silence so that’s what he did, while Wick and Raven couldn’t shut up for more than a minute or so. They were constantly bickering and bouncing ideas off of each other. It was a nice distraction, really.

Hiding there didn’t help him truly hide in the end. He was still thinking, maybe even more than earlier, and it wasn’t always about the mountain. Sometimes he thought about the way Miller’s eyes lit up when he smiled or how nice his chest looked before it was covered by a shirt. He thought a little about how he’d known those things already in the mountain. But it had been about life and death in the mountain. Now it was just… life.

 

~

 

That night Monty got into bed knowing what would follow. Moments later Miller walked in and wordlessly lied down next to him. With their backs together, Monty finally closed his eyes. The sound of steady breathing lulled him into sleep.

He was less prepared to see Maya, watching him through empty eyes, rising among the others to simply stare at him until he crumbled. There was only one way for him to go. Going back meant drills and screams and small cages. He had no choice but to walk into the sea of repercussion.

By then he’d figured to stay quiet after shaking out of it, ragged breaths muffled into the pillow. The tent wall was still there when he opened his eyes. Deep breaths and blank thoughts, and soon he’d be asleep again.

Miller’s arm was around him again, hanging over his side. His hands were bigger than Monty’s. They were stronger and much differently used, knuckles worn and fingers calloused. He wanted to feel them on his skin. He wanted to go back to sleep. Distracted enough, he could.

 

~*~

 

Jasper knocking something over as he exited the tent shook him out of maybe the deepest sleep he’d had in days. For a moment he tried to count. How many days? It felt like forever but there hadn’t been enough.

He cracked his eyes open just to see his best friend looking at him before he was gone. There was no way Monty would ever get used to Jasper looking at him that way. They’d had their little spat during the earlier days on the ground, but that was nothing compared to this. Jasper was as close to family as he could get, and he wasn’t ready to give up on that.

“What’s Jordan’s problem?” Miller muttered sleepily without opening his eyes.

“Me, probably”, he sighed, settling on his back so that they were side by side.

“Has he always been so childish?” Miller’s eyelashes fluttered against his cheekbones, and Monty tried not to watch.

“You just don’t know him.”

“There’s a reason for that.”

Monty elbowed him lightly but he was smiling. It was different when you knew Jasper as well as he did, but he knew it wasn’t as easy to understand for anyone else.

“You should talk to him, though”, Miller added quietly. “If you’re worried he’ll go all Finn on us.”

“Is that a thing we’re saying now?”

Miller shrugged, turning to look at him. “Easier to say it as it is.”

“I guess you’re right”, Monty nodded thoughtfully. “It’s hard to sugarcoat things down here.”

“Maybe it’s for the best.”

The tone of his voice got Monty to meet his eyes. It would’ve been so easy to just kiss him then, but he was too comfortable to move. He didn’t know how long they stared at each other, eyes wide open and the air between them peaceful. Not a single bad thought could penetrate the calmness that existed just in that moment.

"I do like you, you know", Miller said carefully like he was delivering bad news. "I mean. It’s your bed I’m in. No coincidence."

Monty’s lips twitched upwards as he closed his eyes, his hand finding Miller’s under the covers. He didn’t have to think about it at all.

 

~

 

"Do you think we could talk about this?" Monty asked.

Jasper looked up slowly, a sour look ready on his face. “I’m not sure there’s anything to talk about”, he got up from the log he’d been sitting on and started walking away.

Monty caught up with him. He knew how this worked. “You’re my best friend. You know I’m sorry.”

They’d reached a good distance from the nearest person in the yard but they kept going, out of the gates and into the endless sea of long grass. The gates had been open for a while during the days so no one paid attention to them.

"There are times when sorry’s not good enough."

Monty grabbed his arm, pulling them to a halt. “What else do you need me to do? I never wanted to hurt Maya, but we had no other choice -“

"No other choice but to kill _everyone_?"

"They would’ve killed all of us!"

Their voices were rising, the open space ready to be filled.

"I was going to kill Cage! They could’ve stayed in the mountain and been just fine."

Monty had been ready to even grovel a little, but his temper was shorter than he’d expected. “We’ve been through this! They would’ve never stopped! They thought the ground was their right. Every single one of us would’ve ended up on that table sooner or later. We had no choice!” he took a shaky breath, steadying himself for the blow that he knew was coming.

"You killed all of them! Women! Children! Everyone! How do you even justify that?" Jasper spat. "Maya’s dead because of you. All she ever did was help us, and you never trusted her."

"How about you stop pretending you care about anyone else but her. If there was a chance to save only her, you would’ve taken it. What I did was wrong, but at least I’m not afraid to admit it."

Jasper stared at him incredulously. “What are you trying to say? Just say it, Monty, I’m sure you’ve been waiting for this. Not to mention, you haven’t been looking too sad lately, have you?”

"I — What? Are you — I can’t believe this!" he ran a hand over his face.

The _nerve_ he had to imply that he was enjoying this. Like he didn’t see their faces every time he closed his eyes. Like in the dead of night he didn’t wish they’d drilled him to death weeks ago. Maybe Maya would’ve gotten his bone marrow somehow, and everyone’s happy ending came true. How dare Jasper make this about any pitiful disagreement or fit of jealousy there had been between them. Monty had never denied those things. He would’ve never wanted to hold such grudges against his best friend.

"I thought I could do this but I really can’t", he whispered. "I will never regret anything in my life as much. But it’s done. I can’t change it. I’m sorry if you can’t see that. Because I would never hurt you on purpose." He turned on his heels and started walking back towards the gates.

Jasper didn’t run after him.

 

~*~

 

It was all too much to bear. With Clarke gone and Bellamy spread too thin already, Monty had nowhere to go.

He trusted his friends. He loved them all. But there was nothing that could compare to what the three of them had done. Well, one person would’ve known, but it was also the reason he was dead.

It had just been feeling like the weight was lifting a little bit, like he could breathe a little freer. He’d been able to look at his friends and smile, because what he’d done brought them here, alive and well. Even remembering Fox was easier, seeing her as herself instead of a victim.

But if Jasper, the one person who’d stood by him through good and bad, couldn’t forgive him… Monty wasn’t sure he could live that way.

He just wanted a way to fix it. Something to make it better so they could all move on without forgetting their sacrifices while still preparing to build new lives for themselves. He needed it for Clarke, he needed it for Bellamy. But also for himself.

"Hey, are you moping again?" the bed creaked as Miller sat next to him, close enough for their knees to touch. "I thought we had a deal."

"I talked to Jasper. He hates me", Monty sighed. "I don’t know how to deal with this."

"We all would’ve done the same thing in your position. You can’t blame yourself."

"Hasn’t stopped me so far", he grinned wryly.

"Jasper will come to his senses sooner or later. Maybe later since he’s not the brightest in the bunch. And if he doesn’t, he’s an idiot", Miller’s hand came to rest on his thigh, squeezing lightly. "But while you wait, you need to make yourself busy. Get distracted. Kill all the logic that’s shutting you down."

Monty watched him talk, lips curling and teeth flashing. He was so filled with life. It was something Monty needed for himself to get… distracted.

"You like me, right?"

A flush spread over Miller’s cheeks and he looked away while nodding.

"Can you kiss me then?"

His eyes fell on his lips immediately. Monty’s heart was thumping in his ears but it felt like a calming white noise. He waited patiently as Miller took his time digesting his words. When he finally cupped his cheek, still flustered and with unusually shaky hands, Monty let his eyes slip closed.

Their lips brushed tentatively, a soft gasp leaving him at the energy buzzing under his skin like a current. Miller’s hand moved to the back of his head to bring them together again in a better angle, and kissed deeper, lips soft and gentle against his.

He was barely breathing when they pulled away with pink cheeks and wide eyes. Miller grinned brightly at him but didn’t say a word. His hand was still on Monty’s neck, stroking his skin, keeping him grounded.

"Knew it", Monty muttered to himself before leaning in again.

Miller stopped him, though, with another hand on his chest. “Hey, I really do like you”, he said carefully. “But I don’t want to be just a distraction to you. So… when you’re ready, we’ll talk. Okay?”

Monty watched him walk away, lips still parted, and confusion clouding his mind. He didn’t mean to let him go, but he supposed the boy was right. It wasn’t fair to him to be used like that.

Except that Monty did actually like him. With all the bad things in his head, Miller was the one thing that wasn’t. He didn’t know how he’d come from crawling out of bed in panic to thinking that way, but that didn’t make it any less real.

Miller hadn’t looked upset when he left. He was just… determinate. Maybe he had faith in that too; that he would pull through and not try to trick him.

Frankly, Monty had no idea what he was supposed to do next. Normally he’d go to Jasper, but…

 

~

 

"You did what?" Octavia gaped at him while Harper clapped her hands excitedly.

"We kissed. Now shut up. This is completely serious."

"Clearly", Octavia snorted. "I haven’t seen you look this lively since our first day on the ground."

"A, not true. B, Harper stop already", Monty ignored the face she made at him in return. "I don’t know what to do. He doesn’t know that I like him. He just thinks that I’m trying to distract myself from… all that’s happened."

"Why don’t you just tell him?" Harper asked. "We’re all friends. It’s not like he wouldn’t listen."

"I don’t know how to make it sound like I’m not just saying things. I’m not a talker. All of this is just weird to me."

"If he thinks you’re going after him because you don’t want to deal with stuff, how about you deal with the stuff first. Then there’s no distracting happening", Octavia shrugged. "Logical. You like that."

Monty met Harper’s eyes quickly and she smiled sadly at him. Octavia looked between the two of them before getting up.

"I feel like this is something I can’t understand. I’ll see you later."

They sat in silence until she was gone, Harper considering him carefully.

"You’re still thinking about it", she said finally.

"Aren’t you?"

"Of course. But I’ve accepted it. I’ve gotten my revenge and my redemption. It’s time to move forward."

Monty rubbed his eyes tiredly. “But I actually did it. I made it possible to kill all those people. Maya, all the others that helped us, kids -“

"And it was something that just had to happen. It was the only way to save us", Harper moved to sit right next to him and took his hand. "They hurt me - us - for the most selfish reasons. They drilled into our bodies without consent, without humanity. If it makes me weak to focus on that to justify killing all of them, so be it. I wasn’t going to die locked into another cage. We already got out of the Ark once." She squeezed his hand tightly. "Now it’s time for us to live."

 

~*~

 

Miller still got into bed with him every night. They didn’t really talk, but Miller’s back pressing against his told him enough. It wasn’t perfect but he was there.

Each night Monty shut his eyes without fear. For weeks he woke up time and time again, out of breath and cheeks wet, but he always got back to sleep after.

He walked head first into the sea of ended stories. He listened to how a little boy with a football would never feel grass under his feet, how the sun would never warm the skin of a young woman with cold hands, how a mother of two would never get to see her kids grow up, how a whole nation never got to fulfill their destiny. He mourned them in the dead of night when it was quiet enough to hear the soft sounds of his freedom.

During the days he watched the camp grow, his people setting their marks on the earth. Harper no longer carried a gun with her. Bellamy was sleeping every night. Raven’s smile could’ve lit up the whole camp after dark. Whenever they moved outside the gates, walking back felt a little more like going home.

Not all the burned faces accused him. Mrs. Ryan told him she knew he’d remember them always. All Maya’s father wanted was to see the mountain free of anguish. He swore to appreciate the result of their sacrifices as he lied in the dark and listened to the wind in the trees and the crickets sing.

When it got too much, he shook Miller carefully out of his slumber, meeting his eyes shamelessly through the wetness of his own.

"I get that we’re in this weird place right now but I could really use a friend", he whispered.

Miller nodded and pulled him closer, holding him to his chest. Against the steady beat of his heart, Monty closed his eyes again, and for a moment let himself enjoy the closeness as what it could’ve been.

 

~

 

Raven and Wick had been sent to work somewhere, so Monty was alone in the shop when Jasper walked in one day. He looked up from his work and right back down as he recognized the boy. For a long while he didn’t say anything, and Monty kept trying to unscrew the one stupid screw that just wouldn’t come off.

"I’m sorry."

He looked up again, and now Jasper was looking back. Monty could still read him like an open book. Now it was him who was ready to grovel.

"For what?"

Jasper took a deep breath. “For blaming you for everything. For being the worst friend and a dick. For accusing you of being jealous. Again.”

"Yeah… you are a dick."

They grinned at each other, and it was the lightest Monty had felt in weeks. He put down the screwdriver just as Jasper pulled him into a crushing hug.

"I went back to the mountain", the boy whispered. "I wanted to… I don’t know. Maybe say goodbye. Give her the burial she deserves. But they were all gone. All buried under the trees. Every single one of them. Even the guards, the doctors. But I found her. She was buried next to Fox, furthest from the mountain in a spot where the sun shone all day", he choked up a little bit. "I think she would’ve liked it."

"Me too", Monty nodded and hugged him a little tighter.

They pulled away with shining eyes. Jasper cleared his throat a few times, blinking back the rest of the emotions.

"How did you find her, though?" Monty asked, picturing the hundreds of freshly dug graves.

"There was a sign, just a small wooden one, but it said her name and then…"

"And then what?"

"Thank you."

 

~*~

 

Two months had passed since they walked out of Mount Weather. Two months ago Clarke had taken her last look of the camp before retreating back into the woods. Two months since the first day of the rest of their lives.

Monty had made the walk back to the mountain one day. A few of them left together with some food and water on their backs. Eight hours in, eight hours out. Lincoln and Octavia were in the lead, the parents of a few of the kids that had been killed holding a cautious distance to the two, him and Harper trailing behind them, and Miller and Bellamy with guns as last. Jasper decided not to go again, but he waved them off at the gates.

The hike was uncomfortable. Octavia and Lincoln trekked like they weren’t wearing all black gear on a sunny day. The parents were driven by their need for closure. Monty could hear Harper’s breathing become more and more labored, and his own legs were burning after a few hours. As they advanced, he thought about how he’d never actually had that much space to use. The Ark, the camp, the mountain; they were always confined somewhere. Maybe he should’ve taken up jogging now that he was out.

With a shared look of defiance, he and Harper said nothing. They kept walking, pacing themselves, slowing down for hills. Monty was starting to suspect that Bellamy and Miller were staying behind out of politeness so that they wouldn’t feel like they were too slow. He appreciated it.

It was weird seeing the mountain from the outside. It didn’t feel nearly as threatening in the sunshine.

The graves started a little further away from the main door and continued deeper into the woods. Lincoln and Octavia led the parents further straight away, and Bellamy followed them after receiving a nod from Miller. Monty had stopped to stand by the first grave, arms wrapped tightly around himself. Harper wandered off on her own but she stayed close enough to keep an eye on him.

He stared at the grave, wondering if it was Mrs. Ryan or a young child or one of the doctors. Either way they were dead because of him.

Monty looked up when an elbow hit his own. Miller met his eyes for a moment before turning back to the grave.

“There’s so many of them”, Monty whispered. “I mean… I knew there would be but it’s so many.”

“I know. But we have time”, Miller nodded, leaning closer so their arms were pressed together. “Take all the time you need.”

They stood there in silence until it was time to move on. Monty touched Miller’s wrist briefly, and the boy didn’t follow him.

He walked past each and every grave. Sometimes he repeated the words his people said in times of sorrow in his mind, sometimes just that he was sorry. Monty knew that he wasn’t sad for all of them. Hell, if Cage was somewhere there he was almost happy about it. But they were nameless graves; he didn’t want to risk it.

It took a long time for him to get to Maya’s grave. First he spent a while kneeling by Fox’s, remembering her gentle eyes and cautious smile. He hoped she was in a better place now.

The ground at the end of Maya’s grave was clearly worn. Monty could imagine Jasper sitting there, talking to her for hours, telling her what they had now because of her help. He sat down in the same spot and pressed his hand on the mound of dirt that was warmed by the sun. I’m sorry I doubted you, he thought. I’m sorry you didn’t get to be here.

In the background he could hear Bellamy reciting steadily. “And we hereby commit these souls to the deep. Who at their last gave all to the world of the living. May they be remembered forever until there is no more pain, no more suffering. And the abyss itself shall give up her dead and return them to us.”

"May we meet again", Monty whispered to the earth before getting up.

He looked for Miller and saw him standing by the others, holding the crying mother of the blonde girl who had once been taken instead of him. He smiled tiredly at him when their eyes met. Soon it would be time to leave again, but he was ready now.

 

~ 

 

"Thank you", Monty said quietly after he came to walk next to Miller.

"For what?"

"For", he took a deep breath, focusing on not tripping over roots as he got the words out, "being honest with me. For taking care of me and… uh, for liking me back."

Miller glanced at him, a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Back?”

"I didn’t exactly kick you out of my bed, did I? I think you’re — you’re great. And I’m sorry I didn’t know how to show it to you earlier."

"It’s fine. It’s not like I’m going anywhere", Miller shrugged. "I said we’d talk when you’re ready."

"I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. But I do know that it’s not the worst thing. So if you want to, um, like, maybe give me a chance…" Monty looked up at him, voice soft and nervous. "If you’ll still have me."

"Well", Miller took a hold of his hand, fingers interlacing, "I do like sleeping with you."

"Is that so?"

"Like you haven’t noticed."

Monty laughed and bumped their shoulders together. He caught Miller’s eyes dropping to his lips again, the breath catching in his throat.

"What?"

"It’s been a while since I heard you laugh like that."

Monty turned to look at the ground again, cheeks flushed, and squeezed his fingers tightly.

 

~*~

 

Time passed and the days got darker. Over the summer and fall the camp had expanded. They’d even started building actual houses out of wood in preparation for winter.

Clarke had been gone for many months now, as had Jaha and Murphy with their crew of hopefuls. Still, they hadn’t stopped believing. The former leader would find the City of Light or die trying. And one day, when she was ready, Clarke would walk through the gates again.

On the night they returned from their trip to the mountain, Monty dreamed of Maya. He spent the dream with her on a meadow covered in flowers. They didn’t talk much, just enjoying the sun on their skins. Finally when it was time to go, she took his hand and smiled with the light of the first day of spring in her eyes. It was her time to go.

He woke up peacefully. Miller was resting next to him, lips slightly parted and breathing steady. Monty promised to himself then that he wouldn’t give up. His fight was far from being over.

The ghosts were still behind his eyelids, a never-ending slideshow of lost lives, but they existed with new memories now. He would carry them all with him until he died, but it was okay. He didn’t have to do it alone.

He kissed Miller that day. It was soft and sweet, and they both smiled into it. Perhaps he was a little in love, but he didn’t mind.

They moved into one of the tiny houses they helped build. It wasn’t much different from their usual sleeping arrangement, but now they were safer from the cold nights and had a sense of privacy for the first time in their lives.

Cold was barely a thing Monty felt anymore, though. When he waved Octavia and Lincoln goodbye at the gates, there was no sting of sadness, only pride for his fiery friend. Earlier, even Miller had attempted to apologize to Lincoln, who had just waved him off. The two left for the woods together, looking for a place where they could belong.

When he watched Monroe, Jasper and Raven scream at Wick for cheating in a game of cards, he felt the warmth of fondness. They were all his family. His big, loud, slightly dysfunctional family.

When Jasper one day raised his brows at him and said “So Miller, huh?”, his cheeks were hot pink as he told his best friend to shut it. They were almost back to how they used to be, laughing and talking together. But he didn’t know how to talk to him about Miller. It was just weird.

When he saw Harper’s step lighten every day as Bellamy taught her to hunt and survive and _fight_ in a whole new way, his heart could’ve burned a hole through his chest. They were both working through things. Harper wanted to feel stronger; to make sure no one would get to hurt her again. And Bellamy was dealing with Octavia leaving and Clarke still being gone. He understood their reasons, but it was hard for him to not follow, to try to protect them.

When Miller properly introduced him to his father, his hand was warm in his. Monty didn’t fight back a grin when Miller’s dad told him he felt like he knew him already with how much he’d heard of him from his son.

And when Miller pressed him into the mattress with his body, bare skin scorching his, he breathed in. Miller’s fingers ghosted over the scars of his skin as they moved between their bodies, and he couldn’t have named where he got them. In the dead of night, he smiled against the boy’s mouth as they lied together, and breathed out. Sleep finally felt like the rest he deserved.

**Author's Note:**

> Lol it takes like four seconds for me to become emotional when I think about Clarke. 
> 
> I decided to happily ignore whatever it is that Jaha's doing and what the new big bad is for the sake of giving mY CHILDREN time to rest and heal. Maybe Murphy will fuck up something for the bad guys for once, and like... sit on the off button when the hologram lady tries to destroy everything. Just putting that out there. 
> 
> Yikes it's past five am rn I'm truly not the smartest cookie wowza


End file.
